Ok, some of you guys kept asking me to do a rant on stupid ass drivers. Here it is. I actually got a little frustrated writing this one. I had to break it up in to different parts to cover all the shit that pisses me off while on the road. It is very hard to convey the true level of my anger while reflecting on actual events that I have had the opportunity, nay, the pleasure, to witness. Feel free to add to it or leave some comments.
Dear stupid driver #1,

OK, seriously...if you're going to drive SLOWER than me, why is it so important to get in FRONT of me? Especially when I'm in the fast lane? What in the world was the damn purpose of that? I suppose you think you were getting ahead of the curve by passing all of the cars on your right, but I guess I should be the first to clue you in. YOU'RE DRIVING SLOWER THAN THEM TOO DUMBASS. I should have known by the type of shitty car you were driving. I've now narrowed it down. Any cars that are small and compact or old for some reason only seem to be owned by the worlds slowest and stupidest drivers. I think we should think about building a road just for them, a small dirt road with a lot of potholes and shit, so that they will hopefully damage there hunks of ugly metal they call automobiles. That way no one is subjected to their non driving abilities. But since that won't happen for years to come - next time please remember the rule of thumb while on the road and get in the SLOW lane. The fast lane is for PASSING when you pass a car on your right, which would be very hard for your piece of shit car to do, so get the fuck over back in the right lane where you only slow up ONE lane of traffic.

Dear stupid driver #2,

Hey dipshit, let me refresh your memory. It's called a MERGE lane. MERGE. According to the dictionary, merge means to blend gradually by stages that blur distinctions. No where in there does it say STOP. A merge sign is not a stop sign. I know, they are alike so it's a bit confusing, but take a look at the shapes. Different huh? And the letters...I don't see S-T-O-P. If you are in a merge lane, you are to KEEP DRIVING and YIELD to the oncoming cars, not STOP at the damn entrance of the merge lane waiting for all traffic to pass. Things like this make me want to beat my head into my steering wheel. At least it would have caused the horn to blow and maybe, just maybe, you would have moved out of the fucking way.

Dear stupid driver #3,

Why is it that your feeble ass feels the need to drive 40-45 on the highway when traffic breaks free? Have you ever considered that people like you are the cause of accidents? Most drivers are nearly insane by the time they get to work from having to deal with traffic. So when a driver like you comes along and decides "I'm just not going to travel that fast, what's the point, we'll slow down anyway" and putts along in front of them - it's all they can do not to tear the gear shift or steering wheel from the car, fashion it into a threatening object and attempt to use it to beat the living shit out of you. You are the reason people swerve out into the next lane, sometimes into oncoming traffic. You are the reason people are aggressive drivers. You are the reason people have ticks and spout off obscenities when they first pull into their parking space at work. You are the reason road rage is a common and well understood saying. And we wonder why people are grumpy in the morning. It is your fucking fault.
The clap, not the finger…
When highly aggravated by stupid inconsiderate asshole drivers, you might be tempted to go ahead and smash your vehicles together, hoping to grotesquely maim or at least injure said asshole. Fuck it right? They were in the wrong and you have insurance and hopefully they do as well. But you know you’re not going to do that. So what do you resort to? The bird. Yep, the middle finger fuck you salute. While this is most gratifying, especially when you KNOW they see it, it accomplishes nothing. The other driver, who might have been oblivious to his stupid, idiotic, inconsiderate, “driving”…just thinks you’re an asshole and that he is justified in his driving habits. I HIGHLY recommend the clap. Instead of flipping the bird at the moron…give him the slow clap. Raise it up high, hell out the window if possible. This tells the driver that you are not just pissed but that he has done something so fucking stupid he is awarded with a clap. It makes him reflect on his driving for the last few moments and realizes he fucked up. He fucked up so bad you are actually clapping for his stupidity. This also works with old people and such. It’s not nice to flip off little old grandma for driving like a stupid bitch, but the slow clap works for anyone without leaving you with a sense of guilt for degrading some ones grandma.
The brief thank-you wave acknowledgment…
When in slow moving traffic, even though I am probably already mad as fuck about the traffic jam, if I see you trying to merge into my lane, no problem…come on in buddy. But how dare you not give me the brief thank you wave you selfish bastard. It’s a known fact while being in slow-moving, or non-moving traffic you are A LOT closer to people in their vehicles. If someone lets me in (on those rare occasions) I ALWAYS give you the thank you wave. It is an understanding. Its shows respect for you not being an asshole and not letting me in. What, you didn’t see me? My vehicle is only right in front of yours and slightly to the right, it is red and weighs 3000 fucking lbs. And you just sit there looking straight ahead, acting like you don’t know what I am trying to fucking do here. In this instance fuck the clap, give them the bird. Or the Su-Fi cause they deserve it and they know they damn well deserve it. That’s why they don’t have the freaking balls to look over any where even close to your direction. One day in this situation, I am going to get out of the car and start pissing on their fender…I will bet they look then…and when they do, after of course looking up and around the car, anywhere but in the drivers direction, I will look straight at them and act surprised, and I will say (In an English accent cause I think its really fucking annoying) “Oh sorry there old chum…didn’t see your 3000 lb car there. Had to drop my knickers and leave a drizzle. Well, carry on old boy, carry on. Cheerio!!!” Then I would calmly get in my car and while I am sure he is NOW looking at me, try to merge. If he doesn’t let me in, well that’s just fine, at least I pissed on his car.

That is all…